August 2009
45 posts
Why I do not shop at Wal-Mart... →
Read through this—you’ll laugh out loud, you’ll get douche-chills, you’ll get angry…
“The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dreams shall...”
– Senator Edward M. Kennedy
“What we have in the United States is not so much a health-care system as a...”
– Senator Edward Kennedy
Existential crises...
Pretty sure I should just become a nihilist.
I’m sort of in the midst of a series of strange panic attacks these days. Late at night, when I’m either sleeping, or trying to sleep, I’ve begun starting awake with nightmares that are driven by the following thought: I have no idea what it’s going to be like, or feel like, or look like, when I die. As I age, I become...
1 tag
I'm inhuman, but not inhumane...
1. Lemme tell you what. I drank way the fuck too much this weekend. I still feel like I’m covered in mold as a result. Yes, it was indeed quite fun. Yes, I am glad I engaged in the festivities. But dang, my guts are still percolating poison and my head still feels underwaterish on Monday.
1.5. As self-punishment for my weekend bender of self-abuse, I went online this morning and...
1 tag
Lunchtime mishaps
I just spent 2 hours at a birthday lunch for my father-in-law. I ordered a buffalo chicken sandwich topped with coleslaw and wound up wearing it between my boobs about 3 bites in. This is exactly what I get for wearing a shirt that isn’t black, charcoal, or navy blue out in public.
As if my tits didn’t get enough attention in the first place—now they’re covered in a...
I'm in a mood today...
…to listen to songs like “Try a Little Tenderness” by Otis Redding, or pretty much anything by Marvin Gaye. Because it is that kind of a day.
Any of you 3 followers out there have any suggestions for songs to add to my day’s playlist?
Embarrassing and disgusting admission...
I rarely wear socks. I find them to be terribly uncomfortable and really think they’re an abhoration of fashion. So in the summertime, I tend to barefoot it in my slip-on Steve Maddens. This is pretty standard practice for me.
Today, since it is hot out and I need to look halfway professional at work, I put on a pair of old standby Steve Madden flats that have always served me well as...
Tumblarity, my ass.
Listen here, Tumblr. I have spent YEARS dealing with significant self-esteem issues, and I’m not going to have you fuck up all the progress age has given me by shooting my tumblarity up to 11 in one day only to drop it to 8 the following day. You’ve lost your credibility with me as far as a gauge of my worth goes. So fuck off and die, Tumblr tumblarity.
Bullshit and bullshit.
I have the flu. Or so I suspect.
Now, I go to the doctor every single year and get a flu shot. And every single year, I get the fucking flu. And every single year when I get the flu, it goes like this:
Days one through three: cold symptoms, headache.
Days three through five: high fever, extreme fatigue, aches, shakes, cold symptoms, headache.
Days six through ten to fourteen: cold...
A real conversation between real good friends...
Phil: I just saw your blog. Where'd you photograph that applicator string?
Me: Oh, sweetheart--there's no such thing as an applicator string. The string is attached to the tampon. The applicator shoves the tampon into the lady's vagina. Anyway, I shot it in the can at the pizza joint. Drunk broads do disgusting things in public cans.
Phil: Wait--what? So that was a tampon string on the floor? Are you telling me that ladies get drunk and cut the strings off so they can dig them out later with their fingers?
Me: (laughing so hard I almost fart out loud) No no no no no no. It's the applicator. That's the part that shoots the cotton and string out into the vagina. Then the applicator goes into the trash while the tampon absorbs all the period blood. Then later, the lady pulls the used tampon out by its string and flushes it away. And I promise you, no girl EVER wants to pull that thing out with just her fingers. God no.
Phil: You should maybe teach a class on this stuff. So, are there clear applicators out there? That one looked like a string.
Me: (slaps forehead) This is more than you need to know, dear. Let's stop, okay. For your sake.
“It seems like most blogs I have been following are just “I saw this on the...”
These are the moments that make life worth...
On my way into work this afternoon, I was waiting at a stoplight to cross the street to my office building, and while standing there, I saw a car with a seven or eight year old boy sitting in the backseat. He was staring at me, and I was prompted to stare right back at him. Then suddenly, without changing the blankish look on his face, he raised his right hand up and flipped me the bird. I...
Where the hell is Beardog’s momma these days?
My favorite Textfromlastnight (.com)...
(212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother…or stop drinking so much…I don’t want to see this
Random reason I hate today
I do not crap in public restrooms. Ever. EVER.
That being said, I’m sweating from holding back a shit right now. Seriously sweating. And my guts feel like a fucking coffee percolator. And this day won’t slow down until well after midnight. So that’s awesome.
Looks like I’ll be breaking one of the toilets here at work at some point very, very soon.
